


All of me

by ClaireMorgan



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Canon Queer Relationship, F/F, Mambo Spellman, Poetry is life, Zarie, Zelda Spellman is Bad at Feelings, but she tries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:14:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23403589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireMorgan/pseuds/ClaireMorgan
Summary: "Think of me as a tree that needs grooming, just a bitOf those hands on my cheeks, tooTo melt the bites that still sting"Zelda Spellman writes a few poems for her lover Marie; because she doesn't know how to say things, even how to feel, sometimes. Though there is one thing she knows : she is falling in love with this strange woman, more and more, every day. So, love letters she writes, and doesn't hope too much for Marie to find them.
Relationships: Marie LaFleur (Chilling Adventures of Sabrina)/Zelda Spellman
Comments: 11
Kudos: 18





	1. How it begins

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a thing I did kind of for myself and then finally decided to post it, so be kind :) I hope you guys enjoy it!!

Marie, your eyes are so deep  
And when you took my hand in yours  
When the moment lingered  
I knew

It had only been  
One, two days  
One or two hours, seconds

In a second I’d be long gone, in my head  
There were stories  
Of something that looked like love

And there you were  
Again, again, again  
In my head

I wanted to keep it  
That idea of how it would be, how it could have been  
Nevertheless life went on

And it was even better  
Afterall, expectations were never a thing I liked.


	2. There's a fire

There’s a fire and it keeps me busy  
To look at the flames  
Thinking of everything I should have done

It’s of no use, I know. 

Now you look at me  
You ask, you demand and I, strangely,  
Like it

Do you think there is something I can do about it?  
You say, you talk and I listen

I wouldn't say you’re wise  
It’d be weird, to think of you that way

But without all those clever things  
You fill my head with  
I’d crumble

I still think of them, you know  
There were times when I wasn’t alright  
Just yesterday, maybe

And without all those demands I wouldn’t  
Know what to do with myself these days

Because I like to rule  
And demand, too  
Sometimes I want to surrender, in every way, to you  
And you take the broken parts, willingly, putting them all back   
Together, in one piece

Just yesterday, maybe  
I was thinking.  
The crackling fire kept me busy and I wanted to have you, here  
To keep the flames at a far enough distance

Sometimes I can feel them licking my feet, you know

And so I have to be very soft and pleading (which you know I’m not) and ask   
For my sake, and also for yours  
Please never stop demanding more of me  
Otherwise, if I’m not kept busy, I might look a bit too close into the flames


	3. Untitled (because sometimes you leave me speechless)

Your arms, and everything else  
When you hold  
Tight and close

Your voice, slick and hissing  
Lips curled  
Blowing clouds away, for me.

The air melting against my neck. 

There are words we say, sometimes  
Words I never really knew  
Words you repeat too often  
Three words and I fall, I swear,  
But you never leave me dismantled

You never sting. 

There are paths I’d like to draw upon the darkness of your skin  
Drawings, maps  
And then I may find my way to how you want me to be


	4. Deep bloody lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This poem, and the next, are about Zelda's relationship with Faustus, more particularly the abuse he inflicted on her, and how it impacts her life. If you are uncomfortable with the subject you might want to skip these two, especially the second one; don't worry, the rest works without it as well.

I thought of him  
And the thought burned (burned!) to the point where it was pointless  
To even think

I had forgotten if I had really liked  
Anything he had ever said  
I must have.

I never hated him, and they say I should but I just pretend  
That he was never here.

I want to have a reason.  
Something to proclaim, when they ask why  
I must have.

  
To let yourself fall like this  
And so confident I was  
It hurts, you don’t even know how  
How it carves deep bloody lines  
In your forehead

Lines that say I don’t know.  
I didn’t know how.  
You were all right.  
I shouldn’t have.  
I won’t.

And your mind is a whirlwind, of things that may have happened  
Better or worse, or even  
Just other things

The bitter taste, like a dizziness  
Sinking in

I didn’t know how  
To want anything without breaking it  
Since, they say it’s not my fault.

And - one way or another - it seems like this time  
I broke myself.


	5. Sleepwalker

Centuries are short, believe me  
And time is only long when you start to think it is.

When you stop to think, time is easy.  
It flows, it just  
Happens.

But, believe me, I think all the time. 

I’d spend hours doing things I shouldn’t and things I want, if I thought less.  
I never do but, even then, you never realise how time is  
Long before you have it all behind, laid  
Before your eyes. 

Before his eyes time has been the longest  
And I still

Still I wanted to say something  
Because you never know how long a day can feel until you feel every second  
Like a broken bone

Because

His hands  
The feeling  
Like a knife on my throat like shivers in places I didn’t know even existed  
In places that looked like dark hidden corners  
Places I wanted to keep for myself

Since he looted them all like they were his.

And the smell of fear was something I didn’t even know I could smell  
But on my clothes it lingered - and the memory with it

Now if I had time  
In my hand, like a small and firm ball  
To press it like a fruit in between my fingers  
To feel it slip, moist and cold  
I’d press even harder to make it go fast

Time has slipped now.  
And the memory lingers, even, after all  
Squeezing it out has done nothing  
Else than putting the pieces back where they belong  
A bit crooked, maybe, they are  
Not exactly like they were before

The smell of time, it doesn’t cling like it should.

I wanted time to stick to me  
Because when you feel time passing by you also feel  
The pain  
Going away  
Still

It doesn’t cling like it should.  
Believe me


	6. Messy thoughts

There are things, thoughts I still  
Haven’t laid upon your eyes.  
And so I give to you these ones, fast, loud and clear :

I was never really sure, of anything  
And now I’m even more unsure  
(I thought it was supposed to be quite the opposite, yet)  
There’s something, some things, that made me

Just like that, they wrote  
On my skin  
Tales, of what I’d become  
And the tales were written, before I was even able to speak them out loud

You life wasn’t, in that way,  
So written, I know,  
Because you told me, while I stayed still  
Silent

Now I'm breaking the silence with no sound, only scratches of papers and words  
And no silence broke after all  
It’s so like me (don’t laugh)

Now I say :

I was hopeless, for so long  
I tortured way too many, and I tasted  
All the shades of many sweet things, liked to  
Get drunk on dreams and fly away every once in a while

I ended up in many places.  
And I was happy. 

And, other times I felt something,  
That can be told, simply, as nothing  
A void, and from it came a want, strong,  
To shatter every thought and throw  
Life, away.

Take my hands and look :  
Those palms are not immaculate  
Once, or twice, some blood went down  
As my nails plunged a bit too deep  
For what reason, I’m not sure. 

What is there to say, now, after this?

That I never were alone, and that  
It might be why I feel so alone, all the time

But there is still one thing : I get attached quite easily, when I let myself  
Should I let myself?


	7. Wanted you to know

And so it is now  
How it has always been, in a way  
Between us there are things I know will stay kind of the same  
But, for me, everything is so different, and everything about you  
I want to keep, to think of later  
if you let me

Never been like that, you know  
I know you know

They all talk loud, don’t they  
Those shaky hands I have sometimes, when slipping on a corner of skin that feels a bit too raw, a bit too given  
I’m not used to be surrendered to so easily, you know

And, most of all, that thing you do : not moving at all  
Letting me find my way for myself  
My hands are steady now, I think  
But you’ve seen them, certainly

So my kisses are deep to hide that I haven’t really figured it out  
This thing, that people do,  
To make each other feel, I always thought  
It was only a way to make things easier for everyone.

And with you, I remember a couple of others  
That deserve mention  
Because when you love (just forget that I said it, for now)  
Again, and it has been a long time  
Things fall back into their place, it seems.

  
Now go back to kissing me  
And I’ll stop talking with my hands, I swear  
I’ll keep some of the stories for later  
When you'll want to I’ll unfold my fingers  
And you can read it all, without words  
Which are difficult, you know

Kiss me  
My hands are steady now, I think.


	8. How it ends

See what I have for you when I open  
Everything up

See, and drink it all up  
Because eyes are only a thing that we use sometimes  
For the rest, we just walk around blind

Your name is just a thing too  
And when it crosses my lips I know it doesn’t mean much  
More than just a breath, or a sigh  
Do you think it means anything that I love those letters, this mounting of certain letters together, just for the sake that they’re your name?

I say it again, eyes closed but not blind  
And from now on there’s a knot in my throat, that can only come from you  
From the feeling of your mouth to that taste in mine  
Sweeter, somehow

Quiet sound is what I think of when I look at you now  
Like the humming of some insect  
That you hear before you see

Because your presence is something that fills me   
And I don’t need no eyes to feel  
That you’re here, now  
You like to keep all of our inches sticked together, and I don’t ever belie. 

When we fall into each other it’s so beautiful  
To see that you carefully pick up my hand, and hold it  
Against your flushed cheek, and not a sound can break it  
Even if I scream the moment keeps on, hard, unbreakable.  
My hand is still on your cheek. 

There’s no bed, of flowers or of death,  
That I wouldn’t happily lay on  
With you  
But you would never ask. 

I hold your face, in my hands now, and all I see is eyes that eat it all up, mine   
Or yours, I don’t know  
Don’t know if I can take this anymore  
It never hurts and I kind of miss it, sometimes

Please don’t be sad.  
And think of me as a tree that needs grooming, just a bit  
Of those hands on my cheeks, too  
To melt the bites that still sting

You keep all of my inches together, in one piece  
You never forget to tell  
What I never want to hear  
And for that words are not really of any use, other than flattery and posterity, I guess

I didn’t want to tell you.   
Still, like your name, I kind of like that mounting of letters, and therefore   
I want you to see

See what I have for you when I open  
Everything up

See, and drink it all up  
Though they speak a language I just learned, so  
Be kind  
Because heart is only a thing that we use sometimes (and now I talk about me, I guess)  
For the rest, we just walk around cold.

Now the room feels different, warm, and here I am  
Weirdly still here, crooked a bit, tragically fallen and hopelessly put back together  
Still

I want to remember  
Want to slip through time, rob it, and make it yours  
So you can decide whenever you want me to hold you longer, because I won’t know  
How or when, you know  
These are not really my things

In my head, my hand is still on your cheek.   
Sometimes, because your eyes are so deep I forget to pull back  
And you do it for me. 

If I forget to show these to you  
(As I hope I will, but don’t really believe)  
I know you won’t break  
because you never craved words, I just thought you’d like them.

And if you like them, and if I fall again, and if I forget to pull back, if I stare for too long, if I’m cold and don’t even realise, if I eat up too much of you and you forget how to breathe, if I get lost, if I don’t really have it all figured out, if I say all of this and you don’t like it, even then  
Will you still demand?  
Nevertheless, I will still answer.


	9. This is not a demand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marie's answer :)

Chérie, you know I’d rather talk than write, and  
Speaking of language, I think we can fairly say  
This isn’t even my own.

But it’s a language I love  
More than I thought I would, this language takes me  
To new ways of saying things  
I wanted to say them before but they never really came out right

And, most of all, this language is yours (and everything that is yours bears an unspeakable attraction to everything that is me)  
But you know that already, because I’m quite a talker

Something that I never told you :  
I feel our story is like a dance, a circle  
That we draw, one after the other, in opposite directions  
When we’ll reach each other, I’ll tell you what I think it means.

For now, I say  
You don't need to worry,  
Do you think I leave broken things behind?

And you know you are - some beautiful one  
And sorry if you didn’t want to know

But I feel like when sometimes we touch you shift to a new, slower, meeker state, so  
Tell me,  
Am I wrong?

Because I do feel like broken parts are not broken forever, and i mean it  
With every piece of my mind that is - I have to say - a bit broken too

See, I’m just a talker, and I get lost  
In my own babbling

But I’m here, am I?  
And now you sleep just next to me.  
Have you ever had any idea how I think of you sometimes?  
How it is you that occupies so much,  
The space filled with too much feelings, too much  
Thoughts that are too firm to squeeze up in a corner

You know I never look away when you look right into me.

So, voilà! These are my words.  
Here they are,  
Living on their own, now growing and gurgling and  
Here I am, and I swear (not to any god, just to hope)  
For you, I also opened everything up.


End file.
